December 4th: Celebrating my father

It's December 4th and I am feeling both excited and melancholy.

2021 has been a horrible year in many respects, but it has also been a year of unexpected achievements. After two years of slogging away in my basement writing about my biological father, this year I finally experienced the thrill of validation from the outside world. In May, when I received word that Salon.com would be my first byline, I thought it was the best possible development. Then, in September, the unthinkable happened: my essay, “Hearing his voice changed everything” was accepted in the New York Times’ Modern Love column! Wow. Just wow. I couldn’t believe my luck. And now, this weekend—this first weekend in December—CBC Radio will air an interview with me and my sister Ruti on their Sunday afternoon program, Tapestry.

These past few months have been a whirlwind of exciting change!

But December 4th is also a sorrowful date, hence the mixed emotions. My biological father (pictured above in his mid-30s) died by suicide on this day in Vancouver, British Columbia. The year was 1965 and I was just 3 months old. His life had been unravelling for a long time and he could no longer fight the severe depression that had overwhelmed him. When I think of him and the events that led to his final decision, my soul stumbles on its contented path.

And so here I am, 56 years later, thinking about him as I celebrate the airing of my first ever podcast. But perhaps this podcast is a fitting tribute. In it my sister and I talk about what we have learned about him, who he was as a father, husband, and artist. And, although we wish things had turned out differently, we are now honouring our biological father the best way we know how.

I don’t want to focus on grief and heaviness. I can choose to let melancholy win, or I can go with the excitement of this weekend. I choose excitement! I choose to embrace the opportunity I’ve been given to celebrate my biological father’s life, character, and achievements.

I hope to keep coming back to the positive in this blog. Positivity will also be the focus of my memoir (in progress) in which I write about my three-year-long quest to find my biological father, my identification as a step adoptee, and my realization that his story is also my story. It will have a happy ending, I promise!

I am glad to have you along as I travel down this road. If any of this resonates with you, I’d love to hear about it!